The Adventures of SuperPEZ

Behold this hilarious vintage PEZ ad in all its glory:

Now, I know you must be thinking "Child, please, I can't read whatever language this ad uses." Fear not, loyal readers, it would be MY PLEASURE to translate this for you. Methinks it must say something like this:

• If your breath is so bangin' that it can single-handedly take down a giant crocodile/lizard monster and clearly strangle him and make his eyes turn red, then you need Super Mint PEZ!
• Additionally, if your breath is indeed as bad as described above, you have absolutely no need for a schmancy PEZ dispenser - PLEASE do everyone a favor and eat the Super Mint PEZ directly out of the pack. (I mean, the crocodile/lizard monsters' lives are at stake! They're dropping like flies, man!)
• Side effects of Super Mint PEZ may include gallivanting around in orange underwears . . . .