What I Didn't Know About Babies Until I Had One

A couple of gals that I work with are pregnant, so I got to thinking that there is all sorts of information that I know now that I definitely did NOT know before I had kids. And I thought I would impart it to you, our loyal fans:

• Just like Ross on Friends, you really can sing Top 40 music to your baby and get away with it. Baby won't know any different, and quite frankly, what could you possibly sing that would be any worse than a song about a baby falling out of a tree on a windy day? I sang "Brother Aidyn" (a modified version of Sister Christian) and "Free Fallin'" (also slightly modified) to my boys and as far as I know, they are not scarred for life.
• Babies play with unconventional things. Sure, you can get him the best and most expensive toys, but those toys will sit in the corner collecting dust while Baby prefers to play with plastic water bottles and your dog's bones. Hey, at least you may have an avid recycler and animal lover on your hands, right?
• Every baby is a precious angel to his own parents and grandparents. You can tell yourself that you will not spoil your child and that he will always behave appropriately in public. The answers to those misguided thoughts are "yes, you will" and "no, he won't," respectively. And that's OK.
• No matter how many furbabies you've raised before this baby arrives and no matter how you've been able to tell them apart (even in the middle of the night when it's pitch black), there will come the inevitable day when you call Baby by the dog's name. As long as you're not in public, you can just smile to yourself and know that you were warned. If you are in public, I suggest that you start praying that your dog is around and doing something worthy of being called by his name.
• If your husband changes a dirty diaper, he will not die. More important, if he can change one diaper without dying, he can change multiple diapers. Changing diapers is not a slow-acting poison; the more exposure he has to them, the more of an immunity he will build up. You do not want to deprive your husband of this immunity.
• Babies will head butt you. Babies' heads are harder than you think.

I hope these tips come in handy if a baby is in your near future. Heck, I find that the last one comes in handy if you are even in the vicinity of a baby sometimes . . .